Ten Reasons Not to Get a Divorce | PairedLife
“When people ask about my relationship status, I usually just say: 'It's complicated . “He said, enough of this, there's no reason to get divorced,” Ms. say that for most couples, the motivation to remain married is financial. Having a child puts a strain on relationships, but staying in an Five financial myths in divorce. h Five things no one tells you about divorce | By Ayesha Vardag. 22 It's not all about the pout: why the Keira Knightley haters are wrong · Dear Richard Madeley: 'My husband's giving me the silent treatment'. 6 days ago Ten very good reasons not to divorce, from someone who's been there. Sharilee Swaity writes on family and marriage issues on her blog, Second Chance Should you stay married for the children? . You often see couples who have been together for a long time with a great deal of financial stability.
Divorce disrupts this building process and forces both members of the couple to start from scratch. Divorce is expensive in so many ways. There are the actual legal costs of obtaining a divorce judgment.
If there are children involved, custody must be decided. If there are assets, they must be divided. All of these things usually involve billable legal fees.
Anytime a judge is involved, you must pay for the lawyer's time. Afterwards, costs will vary greatly, depending on the situation. But it's bound to be expensive, because now, between the two of you, you are paying for two residences instead of one.
Child support is also a huge cost. Taking care of your child used to be something the two of you shared, coordinating schedules and jobs to cover the responsibilities. Now, one person must find a way to care for the child mostly by herself usually the woman and the other usually the man must pay large amounts of cash to help her do this.
Economically, this is far harder than trying to do it together. Both parties lose in a child support situation. As well, job situations have to change to accommodate a new schedule and a new situation. Child care needs are different, and sometimes a move to another residence is necessary. This can affect employment situations.
If one person has been a student, they may no longer find it possible to continue with their studies after the support of their spouse is gone. For my husband, he moved several times after his divorce in an effort to be closer to his children. For me, I lost many of my household effects, because I did not want fight for them and had to move in with my parents for a while. Everyone's situation is unique, but most people incur economic costs.
Many studies have been done on this subject, and it is well-recognized that divorce has a financial impact. This excellent article discusses this issue in much greater detail and depth: Cost of Divorce and the Financial Risks Involved. Second Marriages I am my husband's second wife. My husband is my second husband. Therefore, I talk about this next subject with some trepidation.
For those of us making a new life after divorce, we hope and believe in second chances and this often includes a second marriage. If a person is divorced, they will often want share their life with someone else and not to simply be alone.
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But let's be honest. Second marriages are harder than first marriages. Why are second marriages more difficult?
Here are three reasons that second marriages are harder than first marriages. For the first year and a half of our marriage, my husband and I talked about divorce a lot. Actually, I did, and my husband would get angry with me. Why did I do that? Well, it was a fear. I knew that we had both come from divorced backgrounds, and when troubles came, it was hard to keep believing that we were going to make it. The threat and possibility of divorce loomed over our heads.
It was like a curse. Unlike a first marriage, we were not "starry-eyed" going in. In fact, we had no illusions to break, and that made us tough. I did not want to be hurt again, and so I acted out to prevent that.
I don't think so. Second marriages are less innocent and that makes them harder. Both parties, although they are trying to love again, are often scared, and that's not a good way to start a marriage. This might not apply to everyone, but for some people, it can definitely be a factor. Second marriages, especially those concerning children, are very complicated.
When children are involved, they must now deal with a new person in their life, and step parents now suddenly become a type of parents to children that they did not create. There are so many variables and trying to create a new family in the aftermath of a family breakup is never an easy or simple process. When people get married the first time, they usually have some time to themselves before children enter the picture.
Or even if they have children right away, they grow with those children. Step-parents, however, must deal with children from the very start of their marriage and don't have that all-important adjustment period.
This is closely related to the first reason, that we are less innocent. History repeats itself, unless we are healed. When people go through a rough relationship, and it ends in divorce, it is often because of patterns that affect the relationship.
Unless they recognize those patterns they will tend to repeat them in the second marriage. For example, if a woman's insecurity interfered with her first marriage, this same insecurity will probably affect her second marriage unless she is healed of whatever wounds are causing her insecurity. If a man tends to be too controlling in his first marriage, and it drove his wife away, those same controlling tendencies will probably surface in his second marriage and history may be repeated.
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and unless significant healing and change happens within the individual, they are at risk for similar problems to their first marriage. This might be hard to swallow, but it only makes sense. Here We Stand Above all, these are the most important reason not to divorce.
If you got married, you promised to stay married forever. That was for richer or poorer through the financial difficultiesin sickness and in health even when one of you or your family is sick, and it disrupts your life, and even causes behaviour or emotional turmoilfor better or worse through all the problems and all the successes of life.
On that day, we promised that we would love. That we would honour. That we would cherish. These days, the "obey" part is usually replaced with respect, but the point is there.
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We would be there for each other, no matter what. We say those words in earnest, never guessing what they will cost us. But the words stand, nonetheless. Mike Mason, in his incredible book, The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle, talks about how those vows are really impossible standards for us to keep.
How can we always love, he asks? How can we always honour? Yet, we still make those promises. And those, he concludes, are what keep us together when nothing else does. That is the final, most important, and most profound reason not to divorce.
For Those Who Have a Choice In conclusion, I would like to say that this series has been hard to write, not just because it has been emotional, but because I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want anyone to be hurt by what I am saying or feel judged. For anyone already divorced, I recommend moving on and making the best of your life. I do not intend to make anyone feel worse about what's already happened.
Similarly, for those in abusive or adulterous situations, I do not mean to guilt you into staying in an impossible situation. Instead, this is for those who have the choice. I do so want to make that distinction clear. Disclaimers all aside, though, I plead to those who are in the position of considering divorce, to consider the cost. It is a huge decision and not one to take lightly. Few, if any, escape unscathed. In fact, it was my husband who gave me the idea to write this article.
We are now happily married but it has been a hard road for both of us to get here. His kids still live with the reality of it, and so do we. My husband wanted people to know how hard divorce is.
So I share the credit for this story with him. We are still both affected by divorce to this day. What I planned to be one article turned into three, because the subject is so vast. Thanks for reading along, and take care. Before you divorce, be sure to consider the consequences, because they are serious.
Is it bad to divorce while grieving? My mom passed away, and my daughter moved away.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Experts advise to never make any life decisions when you are in the middle of grieving because you are not yourself during this time and may strongly regret it later.
Grief itself can be hard on a marriage and make it hard to reach out to your partner. Freelance writer Sharilee Swaity points out that "divorce is the ultimate rejection" since it means that one failed at maintaining a relationship with what they thought was their life partner. It also prompts people to dive into new relationships as soon as possible to restore their dating confidence and it can make them hesitant to engage in a new commitment.
You see, he had 'failed' at marriage once, and he did not want to fail again. Divorces can alienate one social's circle. Swaity notes that it can be awkward for those who were friends with both of the people in a marriage to choose between one of them and hang out with them. It can also be uncomfortable for a married couple to hang out with someone who is divorced.
Divorces also mean spending significantly less time with in-laws. Divorces have a detrimental impact on children.
Children of divorced parents are often caught in the middle, as they have to divide their time—and emotions—between both parents and possibly even have to move to accommodate a divorce. There's also the fact that the drain in financial resources will affect children of divorces as well, and studies show that even if parents are happy in their post-marriage, their children do not share that happiness.
According to Swaity, children of divorce "are affected by it forever": They had romantic problems many years after the divorce. Another study, "The Effects of Divorce on America," found staggering correlations between problems in children and divorce. Divorce was linked to higher drug abuse, lower grades, and higher suicide rates.