These five silent killers might be causing your marriage to die a slow death. Or, one spouse refuses to do things with a spouse who enjoys someone and would love their company. Will Your Marriage Therapy Work?. A common feature of much discord among couples is what cognitive therapists call mind-reading— the assumption that someone's state of. placing confidence in someone or something other than yourself—is social superglue. Betrayal in the form of infidelity in romantic relationships can cause Group therapy for trust issues can also be particularly effective as I think we can't see the times we undermined trust-building in relationships.
This is why you should never tolerate it in a relationship. This article will explain the four main ways that controlling behavior can silently undermine a relationship until there is nothing left to salvage. Interfering With A Satisfying sex Life: It is one of the main ways in which people build and maintain intimacy in a romantic relationship.
Before long, sex will no longer be enjoyable if it has these kinds of strings attached. Control Involves Judgment and Criticism: You have to criticize their current behavior in order to get them to change it. The problem with this is that criticism is one of the surest ways to kill any intimacy in your relationship.
According to John Gottman, criticism is the single best predictor of a marriage eventually failing. Constantly being on the receiving end of bossy, critical and controlling behavior will cause a person to gradually accumulate resentment against the person giving it to them.
Resentment is a slow killer in any relationship. Ironically, the controlling partner may start to feel more secure as the other partner complies with their demands, but under the surface the building resentment is destroying the relationship.
The longer this goes on, the more problems in the relationship will start to appear. So respect is lost from both sides. So, how do you spot someone who shouldn't be trusted? There are five telltale signs that I've observed in untrustworthy people.Make It or Break It: Couples Counseling
Usually these come in combinations of two or three consistent behaviors. Spot these and you're pretty well assured that this is not a person you should be putting a whole lot of faith in. They lie to themselves One of the most striking behaviors of untrustworthy people is that they see themselves in ways that are simply inconsistent with reality.
When you encounter someone who seems disconnected from the actual impact that their actions and behaviors are having, it's a sure sign that they are trying to create a perception that conforms to their desires rather than to reality. For example, if someone constantly describes herself as a quiet person who seeks harmony, while her behavior is disruptive, arrogant, and confrontational, you've got a disconnect that should immediately start to raise red flags of trustworthiness.
They project behaviors on you that are clearly not ones you are exhibiting People who are untrustworthy also have an amazingly consistent habit of accusing others of behaviors that they themselves are exhibiting or are contemplating.
This one is a classic seen regularly by relationship counselors.
It goes something like this. Mary is constantly accusing Jack of contemplating new employment. Jack knows that he is not only perfectly happy where he is and not seeking employment elsewhere but he has also never made any indications that he might be.
Jack is befuddled by Mary's ongoing accusations. Guess who is looking for new employment? If someone is constantly accusing you of something which you know to patently false, chances are very good that what that person is doing is projecting his or her own untrustworthy behavior and insecurities onto you.
This one should ring in your head like the bells of St. Paul's when you hear it. They breach confidentiality This one has always amazed me. We all remember as kids swearing someone to secrecy only to have them break the promise and then rationalize it by saying, "But I only told one other person. Confidentiality, when agreed to and in the absence of any illicit or illegal activityis a sacred bond. This one to me is a nonnegotiable. Once someone has broken a pledge of confidentiality, there is no second chance because that person has already demonstrated a desire to gain favor with others that is greater than his or respect for them.
By the way, it's incredibly easy to pick this one out because inevitably these people will share things with you that you can tell were said to them in confidence by others. You can be assured that if they did it to somebody else, they will do it to you. There is zero hope for trust where there is no respect for confidentiality. They show a lack of empathy This is perhaps the one shared behavior of nearly every untrustworthy person.
4 Hidden Ways a Controlling Personality Undermines A Relationship
They are able to rationalize being untrustworthy by diminishing the impact, pain, damage, or inconvenience they cause others. This is also the most dangerous of the five behaviors, because once you lose empathy for those whom your actions affect, you have started down a slippery slope with no bottom. Even worse is the fact that people who truly lack empathy have no awareness that they do, or they're selectively empathetic when it serves their agenda.
It's simply all about them. Look for clues to this in how people generally treat those they interact with as well as their track record with others. This is the classic example of observing how someone treats those who are not in a position to give them anything of value, such as a waiter or janitor. When I was hiring senior and midlevel execs, this was the single-most important ability I needed to see them demonstrate.
I learned quickly that people who lack empathy are among the most volatile and dangerous people of all. Their emotional state is volatile, and they have a pattern of inconsistency and fickleness in their decisions Remember at the outset I mentioned how trust is formed in our earliest relationships just after birth?
4 Hidden Ways a Controlling Personality Undermines A Relationship
If trust is missing in these formative years, it creates uncertainty, doubt, and inconsistency that linger over a person's entire lifetime of interactions.
While it is certainly possible to have people who are not volatile be untrustworthy, it is far more likely that someone whose emotional state fluctuates wildly is. The reason is that they will make promises they quickly regret and retract. They are never certain of why they are making the decisions they are making. And they are far too easily influenced by external factors over their internal compass. Again, we all change our minds now and then, but if someone has a pattern of consistently flip-flopping, look out.
Nothing is anchoring that person to an emotional state you can trust.